A poem | From my head to my heart

Autism | I hate how much I love you.

Your life long they say. Life long,
Here to stay.
Even though you weren’t invited,
Weren’t asked, you came. Anyway.
Do you know your part of every conversation?
In some kind of way.
Spending most of our time explaining,
Always explaining you away.


Your there in the mornings holding us up
When we really really need to go.
Your there dragging ass in the night time,
Making it go so. so. slow.
Am I gona get through on no sleep again?
No sleep, I just don’t know.
Yeh you are, just get up
Come on girl, come on get up. Get up and go.


It’s always all you, all about you
On repeat, repeat, repeat.
I wana scream in your face,
“Get the fuck out!!” But I won’t.
I won’t admit defeat.
A slow and steady marathon, run you down, keep up my pace.
And I’ll get you, believe me ill get you
I’ll win this fucking race.


People walking by just don’t have a clue.
Talk, talk, talk
Can’t they see my boy? He’s right there,
Right there. In front of you.
All they do is talk. Whispers, tuts
Can’t they see through?
All they do is fucking talk,
Talking all about you.


Hard and fast, like a bullet from a gun.
You knew just where to aim.
Right through my heart, like you’d already won.
Shameless. Letting us take the blame.
Your like an itch I just can’t get to
Like a niggling, little itch.
Just out of reach. So come at me,
Bring it on. You senseless son of a bitch.


You came like a thief in the night, no warning.
No prior offence.
And now they say your trying to take her too,
Fuck me! You’re really summin’ else.
But you won’t break this family mate,
No matter how many times you come.
We’re here together, the five of us
We are strong. We are one.


Even after all of this, all of this
I wouldn’t change a thing.
Cos’ you made me a force to be reckoned with,
Through all this pain you bring.
I won’t let you define us,
But your part of who we are – Who knew?!
I love my little family but I hate how much,
How much I really, love you too.


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