All over again | Looking for the sunshine

So here I am again. Here we are again. Here it is again. Some of you will be reading this thinking she’s finally lost the plot and to tell the truth I feel like I have a little. This week started of OK  (it’s Wednesday today), the weekend was good which led into Monday which apart from being a little tired from a late night binge watching Lost while the kiddies slept, was pretty much a breeze and then it was Tuesday. Tuesday 25th April 2017 to be exact. I had totally forgotten that I’d arranged an appointment with our health visitor for the afternoon and it wasn’t until a reminder on my phone went off that I started to panic a bit. I’d made this appointment a few weeks back when one night after some panicked messages to a close friend and a screeching, weepy phone call to my husband (who was at football) had happened. Over the space of a week or two I’d been watching and making mental notes of little things that caught my eye, things that my beautiful little girl would do and more importantly things that she wouldn’t. 
My beautiful baby girl Florence. She’s perfect. She is small for her age, a teeny little ball of fire with beautiful blonde hair that flicks up at the end. The most infectious, cheeky little laugh, soft soft skin and beautiful blue eyes. Eyes that don’t look at me. That don’t look at anyone really when I think about it. She’s 19 months old. 19 months,wow that’s gone fast. She doesn’t utter a word. She loves spending time with me, loves it to the point she can’t bare to be without me. Now these are all things that lots of children do but when you know what I know you’ll understand why it wasn’t just that simple for me. My son Connor has Autism,  ‘Autism is a lifelong developmental disability that affects how people perceive the world and interact with others.’   http://www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is/asd.aspx

Our health visitor came out and she is a wonderful wonderful woman. She listened to me, observed my gorgeous girl and didn’t judge me. She didn’t think I was paranoid or frightened, she did her job and she did it well. By the end of our chat things were quite apparent and she gave me the news that I was expecting all along. My little girl raised some major concern and in her professional opinion Florence needs to be reviewed by a paediatrician. Florence has suspected Autistic traits. So here we are again. On this journey that I thought was nearly going to kill me the first time, now we have to do it all over again.

I’ve found that you don’t actually crave something until there’s a possibility that you might never get it. I waited my whole life for a daughter and there’s a chance that I might not get the daughter I thought I would have. Does that make me sound like a bitch? Like a selfish mare. Then yeh I’m selfish. No one ever thinks that their child will have some kind of disability, no one would ever wish that. If it turns out that way it doesn’t mean that you love your child any less but it’s not what you had planned. When we found out Connor was Autistic we didn’t love him any less and I’d never change him but I did grieve for all the things we will probably never do. Your allowed to be sad. If you don’t get this then you never will until it happens to you and I can’t change that, I’m not after sympathy just a level of understanding from you to me. I’m angry, I’m upset, in fact I’m fucking livid and without wanting to sound like a spoilt child..IT’S NOT FAIR!!! Why does my daughter have to go through this? Why my daughter? Why us? I don’t get it. What did we do that is so awful that this has to potentially happen all over again? I don’t have the answers to any of these questions and maybe I never will.

I’ve met some incredible parents over the past two and a half years, some truly wonderful families. All of which have at least one and in some cases more than one child on the Autistic spectrum and it makes me wonder, why them? Right now I’m so confused and have an insane amount of emotions running through me but I’ve decided to document this journey. From the very beginning until we know exactly what we are dealing with, because if I can help one parent in this situation know exactly what’s ahead, to help their world feel a little less anxious even if it’s just for a little while then I’ll help myself feel a bit better. Help myself heal a little bit because right now it’s so dark for me here, just dark clouds all around me. I know this feeling will pass and soon enough I’ll see a little light but right now I’m breaking and I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. If this helps just one person, if I can be the sunshine through one parent’s dark cloud then I know I’ll be strong enough for what’s ahead of me.

Chat soon

Natalie Abraham 

xoxo 
 

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