I cry because I’m scared. Scared of a world that might not understand how difficult it is for you just to be you. I cry because I worry what the children will say to you when I’m not there and I worry will you ever say anything back? Will you ever say anything at all, will you talk? Tell me your happy, scared, lonely or just fine Mum thank you very much. I cry because I feel selfish wishing you could talk, focusing on something you can’t do instead of all the wonderful things that make you, you. I cry because there will be a time when I’m not here anymore, who will make sure you eat when you refuse for days on end? Who lay with you at night when your brain won’t turn off and it’s dark and too quiet? Who will know which way you have to have your cucumbers cut and what order you have to go through doors? I cry because in a world of such desperate, terrorising times will you know how to be safe? I cry because the people stare at you when we sit on the floor outside in the rain, because you just can’t move and can’t tell me why. So when we lay there with the rest of our little family I start to think. Think of how amazingly lucky I am, and I start to cry.
I cry because I am so inspired by your complete love of life. I cry because I am so proud of how far you’ve come despite all the obstacles and the doubt. I cry because I am in awe of how you smile through tears when I know how much it’s hurting just to hear noise. I cry with laughter as you spin around and around, flapping your hands with glee as your little sister looks at you and belly laughs because she loves you so much. I cry with pride at how fiercely protective your older brother is of you, and how much he loves being with you. He knows just how you like to play and doesn’t care when people whisper about us as we do our shopping. I cry with happiness as I watch the way your Father looks at you when your together. That deep loving look in his eyes, the look that makes me fall even more in love with him each time I see you together because I know he wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in this world than with you. I cry tears of joy when you laugh hysterically at the same video on repeat, and at that look on your face when you watch your favourite film and realise Woody’s saved the day again. The way just dance around with your eyes closed and a grin as wide as your face, but most of all I cry because I can’t believe you chose me to be your Mum. That I am that lucky, I get to see this life through your eyes and know the true meaning of unconditional love. That’s why I cry.
Natalie Abraham AKA Mostly Mummy