Hello! It’s been a while. I’ve been gathering my thoughts and sorting stuff in my mind, so I needed a well earned break from over thinking and needed to just do ME for a little while. I hope that’s ok. Ive been spending time with my family, reading, writing and concentrating on my photography. To be honest I really needed to re-evaluate shit, I’ve been letting things get to me that I shouldn’t. Like social media, what other people are posting, thinking and whether they are judging me or not. I hate that these things bother me and I am really trying to be brave about it and think fuck it, if they don’t like me they can just unfollow me. It’s harder than it sounds.
One thing that’s changed the most for me over this past month is Slimming World. After a lot of deliberating I have decided to finish attending the group’s and following the plan altogether. This choice came after discovering a book when I was away in London that I read cover to cover in a day and a half, this book is called The Goddess Revolution by Mel Wells. Now usually I’m not into the ‘self help’ type thing but I was talking to a lovely lady that I follow on Instagram and she recommended it. Needless to say I was completely absorbed by it within minutes. While there are some things in there that I don’t 100% agree with and wouldn’t necessarily follow to the letter but the overall ethos of the book spoke to me on a totally different level and came at the perfect time for me, because things have not been good for a while.
I’ve discovered that a lot of my depressive state, anxiety about the way I look and feel and how others perceive me revolves around food. Losing weight was great, looking slimmer was brilliant but over all STILL didn’t make me happy. Not on the inside, I quickly realised it was all becoming a numbers game for me. I HAD to see those numbers decreasing, there was no other option. They had to, but even when they did it wasn’t enough. I was still miserable inside. I was missing food, food that I loved to eat and getting to a place where I couldn’t think of anything other than what I was putting inside my body.
I was waking up Mondays feeling great, on plan and full steam ahead. By Tuesday I was feeling ok, thinking and counting a lot more but over all ok. Come the evening wanting a treat but remembering you can’t you have already had your daily allowance, waking up Wednesday still wanting that treat and feeling unsatisfied. Wednesday evening was hardest because Neil is at football and he distracts me from my craving and I just ignore it. Thursday… I.Hate.Thursday….. weigh in day!!! So I can’t go to the group’s during the day because of the kiddies, I have to go to the 7pm one which means I was starving myself ALL DAY long and then not even drinking after 4pm in case the numbers on the scales went up!!! What. The. Fuck??? That is not normal. Which brings me to Friday and by the evening I crash and gorge on all those delicious treats I’ve wanted since Monday, then it’s Saturday and fuck it I’ve already gone off plan so let’s forget about Saturday. Sunday I’ll just spend the day loathing myself because of the last two days, go to bed unsatisfied and hating myself and start all over again tomorrow. This cannot go on.
That was my week, every week. I thought it was working because I’d lost so much weight and was still loosing some on and off but this mind set is seriously unhealthy. Once I read this book, sat and thought about what I was doing to my body but more importantly my mental state (especially surrounding food) I knew I had to stop. Now I’m grateful I started Slimming World in the first place, it helped me loose a big bulk of weight I needed rid of and helped me form some new eating habits (mainly surrounding sugar). So for that reason I’m happy I did start Slimming World but the time has come to stop.
I would recommend the book to anyone who needs to fall back in love with themselves. I know I did ❤
Natalie Abraham AKA Mostly Mummy